Note: I rewrite the emails that land in my inbox. I usually share the rewritten version with the sender. I have seen my version getting sent out to their email list. It’s a fun little activity and no one gets hurt :)
Context:
This email is from a person selling an online photography course to her list. Telling them about the discount she is running.
Original:
Subject line: This email contains my BIGGEST deal yet 🤯
Hi (Name),
All it really takes to change your whole life is one decision. The decision to take action, and take the first step towards it.
I think back to the biggest moments in building my photography career, and they all had one thing in common: Taking a risk.
Wether it was big (move to Bali and leave my legacy of event photography behind) or small (spending a small fortune back in 2007 for that first ever camera), once I took the first step, motion kept moving me forward.
I know it never quite feels like the perfect time to take a chance on your passion, and try to see if it could be a business... so I've gone ahead and created the perfect time for you.
I'm here to give you a reason to take that first step today, and maybe you will too, look back on this day and know this small gesture of investing in YOU and what YOU want, was all you needed.
[Discount details]
[Long details about the program]
Hope this is the sign you need to take action TODAY!
Name
The Problem:
There was no precursor email/s (she dove right in with the discount email).
Associating the product with risk (hook in the email is "taking a risk").
Sharing the details of the program (which makes 70% of the email space, it needed to be a separate email)
She didn't tell a story (hinted towards it but didn't expand).
My Version:
Subject line: I owe it all to (name of your 1st camera)
Back in 2007, I had "xx" dollars in savings. Not much, I know, but it was enough to buy [brand name, model] - my first ever camera.
It was the auto-flash feature that really sold me, lol.
The [name of the camera] wasn't ideal for taking high quality pictures but luckily for me, I wasn't good at photography either.
Here's some proof...
[Attach pictures from 2007-08]
Don't be so surprised!
Everyone has to start somewhere. And that was mine.
But I'm glad that I did. Because look where it took me...
Travelling to different countries, working with [name of the top clients], living life on my terms.
And guess what...
Over time, my photography skills improved drastically...
[attach recent portfolio pictures]
All this wouldn't have happened if I didn't take my FIRST step.
But let's be real.
The journey to reach where I'm today wasn't easy...
Not by any means.
There were a lot of mistakes...
Dealing with bad clients, undercharging for my services & looking for clients at the wrong places.
Plus I had to deal with crippling self-doubt all alone...
No one to guide, mentor or support me.
No roadmap or blueprint to follow.
Everything I learned was through trial & error.
But you don't have to suffer like I did.
You can avoid the mistakes every freelance photographer makes and become successful in no time, if...
You follow the lessons in The Photographer Business Framework...
Now I know, taking the first steps can be hard...
So here's something to make it easier...
Since it's Black Friday. I wanted to give you a super discount.
[click here to get the details]
To new beginnings,
Name
What Changed:
Instead of selling the product, I share the story of buying my first camera.
The struggles of being a freelance photographer.
The slow path of progress.
And the pains of doing it without a mentor or a supportive community.
But luckily, the reader doesn’t have to do it all alone. They can join the program. And getting a discount is the cherry on top.
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